Meaningless midwife appt

So my midwife appointment was yesterday and lasted a full 3 minutes...maybe 4! It was pretty frustrating since I have waited 4 weeks for this appointment and have been desperate to get across my concerns and fears about this pregnancy going the same way as the last.

I feel like they just fob me off and dismiss me, telling me that there is no increased risk, that if I have symptoms and no bleeding and no pain then all is probably fine. Piffle! None of that means anything and half of it isn't true. Last year I had nothing to indicate that anything was wrong, my stomach still grew and swelled and for all intents and purposes I LOOKED pregnant, if my symptoms diminished I wasn't aware of it and there was no bleeding until I was 12 weeks pregnant....6 or more weeks AFTER my baby had died. So how do I know the same thing hasn't happened again? How do I know that I am not walking around with a dead foetus inside me just waiting to be discovered by a scan? why can't they see that an earlier scan could have spared me weeks of thinking I may be pregnant, that I may hold a baby in my arms at the end of this pregnancy, if actually it's all gone horribly wrong?Or, on the flip side, that it could spare me the tears and heartache that I have been going through for the past few weeks, constantly worrying that I'm going to be right back where I was last summer....when I lost the entire summer to depression, drink and prozac!

I see the mw again on Thursday, this time the appt should last 45 mins but I have almost give up on trying to express the urgency with which I need to have a scan...need to see that the heart is beating and the baby is growing and that I am not going to turn into a complete wreck again dependent on anti depressants to even consider facing the day.

Going to drive myself crazy!

Seriously, I could end up going utterly insane over the next few weeks :( The flashbacks to the last miscarriage are more and more frequent, I can't sleep because I wake up constantly with anxiety attacks and I'm constantly weepy and emotional because i am terrfied that something is going to go wrong. Being pregnant after a loss is the hardest thing ever! I envy people who just spontaneously announce on Facebook that they're pregnant when the pee's hardly had time to dry on the stick!! How simple it must be to see two lines and automatically assume that means you'll have a baby in your arms in eight months. I can't think like that. All I can do is pray and hope and drive myself bananas with worry until I have seen that heartbeat flickering away on the screen! I hate feeling like this. The closer it gets to when it happened the last time, the more anxious I get. Stupidly I went and hired a doppler to use at home. When I was pregnant with Belle after my first loss it was a life saver, kept me sane and rational and happy as hell. However patience is not a virtue I have ever possessed...so of course I tried it immediately when I was 9 weeks 4 days...and rather predictably was unable to find the heartbeat. So now I am even more paranoid that something has gone wrong. Even though I know it's too early to really hear it and finding it is hard anyway for people who aren't skilled at using them...still, I am worried sick.

A little bit of a bump!

I am officially a nervous wreck, the next few weeks are going to stretch out in front of me like a yawning chasm of endless time!! The sooner I get the 12 week scan and see that everything is okay i might actually be able to breathe!! On the plus side, the symptoms are looking pretty good so far...I feel violently sick pretty much all day and night and an eye for the sweet and sickly stuff which I don't usually touch when not with child!! (And consume ridiculous amounts of when I AM with child...probably why the little bambinos have been fairly good sizes in the past!!). The nausea has been so bad that I have actually lost 4lbs because nothing sounds good to eat and when I do eat I'm full within seconds. I am also shattered all the time and would happily sleep for 23 hours a day if given the option. I am hoping all these are indicators that baby bean is growing well...and in spite of losing 4lbs...I do have a definite little bulge going on...which I know I can't blame food for because I'm hardly touching the stuff!!!

No vino for me!

Last night I went to see Olly Murs with my friend Mrs C. As a rule she is my partner in crime when it comes to the consumption of alcoholic beverages! Not last night of course. To avoid the question of why I was breaking the tradition of a lifetime I offered Mrs C a lift there and back so that the conversation wouldn't come up. Luckily no tricky line of questioning ensued and I have consequently bought myself a little bit of time before being placed in a similar situation!! Phew!



Good old Mrs C had scored us front row tickets so we had a great view of Mr Murs who put on a darn good show :) Needless to say I was shattered by the time I got back though and my ears were well and truly ringing from all those kiddies screaming all night long!!

And then there were 5..........

I stumbled back across this blog several weeks ago and was rather upset by the title. It seemed I had started this about a year ago...the five referring to the number of children my husband and I were about to have...only a year later, there were still just the four and the title of the long forgotton blog were a bit of a kick in the teeth.
You see our fifth baby was the shock of our lives, a bit of a bolt out of the blue! However, we did get used to the idea and were eagerly awaiting the 12 week 'safety zone' to tell the world about this surprise baby...and the worst happened. I will spare you the details but the 12 week scan did not show a fidgeting little baby in the womb...it showed a 12 week sac and the remains of a 5-6 wk foetus.
A lot of tears, heartbreak and prozac later we finally passed the due date and survived and were just approaching the anniversary of the day we heard the terrible news. Grief had given way to acceptance and we were even talking about booking dh in for his big V...so imagine our surprise when actually, I discovered that I could use this blog, no altering the title, after all!
Wow! I know it's early days and having experienced two miscarriages in the past I know how tentative the first trimester can be. But in the middle of this roller coaster of emotions, of adjusting once again to the crazy surprise that actually, we may well have FIVE children in 8 months time, part of me can't help thinking that it was completely meant to be!